Monday, October 3, 2011


It's Monday night at the McMahan residence and I've just settled into my jammies with my Bud Light Lime and thoughts of waking up for work at 4:30 am. Man, I can never get used to that. Perhaps I should be tuning in to some Monday Night Football - but no, I'm semi-watching Cinderella for the 200th time. Cinderella + Bud Light Lime is still really no fun. I love that Novalee is asking for a second plate of broccoli - and that she is humming all of the songs in this movie. My husband is off pursuing his dreams... singing away at a songwriters meeting of sorts in Nashville... and well, this leaves me with nothing but my thoughts. (and Cinderella) Is it right that I'm semi-jealous of my husband sometimes? How wonderful and painful it must be to know exactly what you want to do with your life. I've watched him battle this passion for years now. Is it harder to KNOW what you want to do and struggle so hard to do it, or is it harder to have no earthly idea and wander around like a gypsy. ? I make it more difficult for him - I know. And it hit me today, somewhere between Cinderella mopping the floor and meeting her prince... that I've never been with someone that has so much potential. All of my previous boyfriends were seriously lacking in that department. I never really expected much out of them and it made it really easy when they ended up letting me down. I want so badly for him to succeed, but I'm also kind of afraid that he will. This is a very real emotion that I have - and I'm certainly not proud of it. What will happen? It is a heavy burden that I have placed on him and myself, and I know that he feels it deep down... that he knows that I'm afraid that he will succeed. How terrible is that. I'm still growing up and learning... apparently I am still selfish and immature and working through these things daily. I want him to succeed, I do. I just have this terrible feeling that I won't be a part of it - and I want to be, so badly. I want to be there when he hits that jackpot and all of his hard work is paid off. I want to be the first one to congratulate him, and throw him a party.. but having a two year old has made this extremely difficult recently. I'm trying to understand that I can't be there all of the time. It's really my job to be there for him in any way that he needs.. even if it means that I need to back off.
This rant is so long and ridiculous that it's surely boring you to death, so I'll finish it up. Life is hard and marriage is hard, but I am learning that a positive attitude can work wonders. I will be there for my husband for the rest of my life. I know that he isn't going anywhere - or he would not have made that vow to me.. he would not have chosen to create a life with me - and he would not still be here after all of my silly antics. I am extremely grateful that we ARE married - and that he lets me make mistakes, and he helps me grow and learn from my mistakes. Even if one of my mistakes is not letting him be who he is. He is willing to show me and walk me through this crazy world that I could not walk through alone.

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