Monday, October 18, 2010

Feeling blue...

I am feeling sad today. Let's just say that the stress levels around the McMahan house are BY FAR the highest they've ever been. We both feel like we're trying our darnedest - only to be buried by another round of ammo. This higher level of stress has caused an unusually high number of unnecessary arguements that would otherwise not exist.

I feel sad that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. It turns out that I am not always as fun as I thought I was. And that I'm also pretty difficult to have a serious conversation with.. I am extremely emotional, defensive, and just plain worn out by never feeling okay with choices I've made. I am lucky to have Scott, who I can lean on.. but I also feel like I've placed huge burdens on him that he just cannot handle or should not have to.

This is all very personal and really only written down to remind me of the good times.

I feel selfish when I want to have a good time. I feel dumb for expecting this to be easier. I want to jump up and down and scream and cry and scream some more until my throat is sore and my fists are red.

My wish, today, on this sad Monday is that Scott could know that being so sad has only temporarily changed me. I hope to be fully recovered from this sadness in a short time, so that I can get back to being a supportive, loving wife and an energetic, adoring mother.

1 comment:

  1. :(

    While I know our circumstances aren't the same (whose are?), I know what you mean.

    I know that life doesn't turn out the way we plan (who doesn't know that), but why does it have to be so hard and so unfair? Seems like breaks are few and far between.

    I completely relate to feeling bad for wanting to have a good time. I think about that often myself. I feel that people think critically of me for seeing lots of tourist attractions when I'm unemployed and three months from being homeless. There seems to be a stigma in society that unless you're financially secure, you don't have the right to have fun.
    I call BS on that.
    Don't feel guilty for finding anything that brings you any measure of joy in your life.
    Life is damn hard. If something makes you happy, then let it make you happy.

    Don't beat yourself up for not being as strong as you think you are.
    I highly doubt that is true.
    You are strong and you're doing great.
    If you didn't show ANY signs of faltering or struggling THEN there'd be something wrong.
    It's not weak to have bad days. You are strong, but you're also human.

    I hope this isn't out of my place to say, but do you have a church you ever visit?
    I think you believe in God. Lean on Him a little ... I know people like to say that they are "spiritual but not religious" but I'm not sure that flies with God. By the way, I have NO IDEA if that applies to you. I'm just saying ... and, for me, times do suck, but if I didn't have a relationship with Heavenly Father, I think I'd be an absolute mess.

    If you need anything, let me know.