Thursday, October 30, 2008

Holding on....

Maybe I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today.. I'm not sure. I have spent a good portion of the morning looking at pictures of friends from High School.. they have changed, I have changed. I spent most of that time looking at pictures of my friend, Channon. I think of her more now that she's gone, than when she was here. Why do we do that? I think of that day in middle school when she and I could both be found in the Principal's office because we thought that refreshing our fingernail polish was more important than gym class. Or giggling with her in the lunch line, noticing how every food item was spelled wrong (Mmm: Chickun Nuggetts!) ... it bugged us both. I can't quite get her off of my mind, remembering January 8th, 2007, when I found out that she had been the victim of the most hellacious crime that the Earth has seen.. thinking that God must have blinked for too long... and somehow evil slipped into that house on Chipman Street while He wasn't looking. I regret not spending enough time with her before that aweful day. I miss her. I wonder where she would be now, if she had been given the full life that she deserved so desperately.
I also sent my good friend, Michelle, a nice little note.. There have been numerous mistakes on my part, when it comes to our friendship. She was the first of our friends to get married. (which we all knew would happen) The dumb, immature, stubborn me was not there to see her dreams come true. I wasn't there to see her graduate, and become a nurse to so many of our communities' children, at Children's Hospital. (which was her dream at such a young age) There are things that I have not been a part of, where I ask myself how she could ever let me back in her life again? She may not. But, I am willing to try. She was there for me when I was mad at her, and didn't want anyone around. She always checked up on me when I was sick, or heartbroken. Somehow I have a hope that she will let me try to be there for her from now on. I know that I need her in my life, and I don't know how I've gone so long without her.
Again, the nostalgia today is thick. Maybe I wasn't ready to love these friends the way that they needed it. I'm ready now. The stubborness has subsided, I am ready to be whole again.

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