Ramblings of an idiot

So, today was: attempt-to-talk-to-your-husband-about-your-feelings-and-end-up-making-a-fool-of-yourself Day!! It was awesome. Why do women try to talk about those things anyways? Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and really, on Mars they just don't talk about feelings. I'm learning. I'm growing. Which are both really good things, I think.. but, Man! The process sucks. Being married is new and hard, but also sweet and really great sometimes. I've got to find a way to communicate better. Clearly, I can communicate with myself nicely. (I believe this is blog-entry 236) But when it comes to communicating with someone I love, I tend to make a complete ass of myself and destroy any possibility of resolving the initial complaint. Please, Please, PLEASE tell me that this is just a girl thing and not a "Trina" thing. I have lots of "things", and really don't want to add to that list. Speaking of lists! I even tried to make one!! - about what the real issues were, before I tried to talk to my husband. I weighed whether the issues were something I could fix/ignore on my own - or if there were things that my husband could do better. In the end, I made my husband feel like I don't trust him - NOT TRUE. And, I kind of felt like maybe I should have just ignored the issues and they weren't really as important as I thought they were. That's all marriage is really anyways right, picking your battles?? For the first time in a long time, I thought - long and hard - for an entire week about the things that were bothering me before I brought them to his attention. I was sort of proud of myself for that - but I really just ended up madder and madder and kind of snapped for no reason. So, to wait, or not to wait?... who knows. I'll hopefully figure it out one day - and on that day we better still be happily married and this little thing should be put behind us. I was really worried about our relationship for a good solid hour - I was wondering why he wanted anything to do with me, and then began to believe that he didn't want anything to do with me. I'm still not quite sure what to believe.. but I know that he still lives here and he still hugged me and kissed me goodbye before going to work so it can't be all that bad.

What a ramble, eh?

You know how it is when all of these emotions are just dripping off of you and you need a place to vent?.. well, welcome to that vent. I just wonder how long it will take for me to grow up, get used to things, and get over some. It feels like an incredibly long journey, but I've heard that it's worth it.

Sunday night ramblings..

It's that time of the month again.. no, not that girly kind. The kind where I make lists. :) This list is basically to sum up the last few months of my life - since I've neglected to write anything down for such a long time. So, here goes.. recent happenings in Trina's world:

- I've lost an incredible 30 lbs and counting. Zumba is my friend. I have cut out fried foods and bread. The past few weeks have been harder - I have held steady and not lost any weight, but I'm getting there.

- Holy Canoli! I've joined a church!! Not only have I joined a church - I've also joined the church choir. It is powerful and really good for me.

- I'm still working at Chick-fil-a. No big news there except that I got promoted to kitchen manager. Whoopie. It's chicken. It's not life-altering. But, I love my coworkers and I've come to realize that that is a rare quality in a job and something to be cherished. I've started going out with them about one day a week - bowling, dinner, game nights. They are what I was missing in my last job and I'm proud to know each and every one of them.

- Hubs's music career is taking off quicker than we are prepared for - but it's really really exciting and scary. This time next year could be completely different, and we are ready to open our arms to this change. He deserves a shot at his dream. Don't we all.

- My sister is having TWINS. My niece is having a baby girl, and I am not having any more babies. Ever. :)

Alrighty, I'm done with my list. It was a short one this time - guess there's not a whole lot going on in Trina's world lately. I have no complaints.. and for the first time in about a year, I am not looking for a new job. Guess you could say I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. Hopefully it's just "right now" - as I'm pretty sure selling chicken is not a part of my long-term goal for myself. I am blessed to be able to provide for my family, and I am REALLY blessed to have the family that I have. This is an exciting year for us - I look forward to reading through my old blog entries to see how far we've come. If this isn't "our year" - I'm not sure what is.

FOURTEEN

I HAVE to start off this post by saying - first and foremost - that I have, within the last month, lost FOURTEEN pounds. Fourteen. 14. It's pretty darn exciting news for me. I was inspired to lose weight by several things that all came together. First, a coworker of mine has recently lost about 30 pounds. Watching her incredible transformation has been quite the inspiration for me. She had a baby about two years ago (like me), and had just kind of let herself "go" (like me). Then, I took a NICCEE long vacation to the beach. If that isn't inspiration to lose weight, I'm not sure what IS. So, I bought a scale... and this became the first time that I actually acknowledged my own weight. I knew that I looked in the mirror and felt yucky and fat... but it was gut-wrenching to look at the scale and CONFIRM that I was yucky and fat.

So, I've been watching what I eat - trying to eat LESS more often... and working out just a WEE bit. I don't want it to be like a punishment, so I'm trying to make my exercise fun. My goal is to lose about 40 more pounds. It will put me at what is healthy for my height... and about where I was immediately after I had Novalee. (I was breastfeeding and looked amazing) I've joked to my husband that maybe I just need to start breastfeeding again. Although it was so beneficial for Novalee and such a bonding time between us, I would never again put myself through that unless absolutely necessary. Owwieeee!!! We can bond over other things, I mean really.

Besides the FOURTEEN pounds, our lives have been pretty steady. We have a vigorous schedule of work, football practice, hubs's gigs, and more work. We DO, however, try to fit in as many naps as possible - and we go on "adventures" when we can. I've made several new friends lately - and have found myself out of the house more often than not, Hubs has been driving to Nashville once a week for a songwriters gathering with some of Nashville's top songwriters, and when we meet up somewhere in the middle - we are happy and in love.

Halloween is approaching and we have painted and carved a few pumpkins. Novalee will be a bumble bee, and I'm working on my best Aubrey Hepburn costume. Hubs doesn't participate in Halloween, but we keep him around so he can take pictures of us. :) Novalee is getting cuter and more talkative every day. She tells me good morning every day, and kisses me goodnight. She will sometimes wake up and the first thing she says is, "Mama! I want some peanut butter. And some CHICKEN!" (We're working on that) She is stubborn and smart and sweet and really really really funny. She is my world, and that will never change.

Alright, enough mushy stuff. I'm thankful for so many things and also desperately in need of some change around the house. Looking for: a new job, a new house, or a new adventure. If you know of anywhere I can find any of these things - please let me know. :)

Over-thinking

It's Monday night at the McMahan residence and I've just settled into my jammies with my Bud Light Lime and thoughts of waking up for work at 4:30 am. Man, I can never get used to that. Perhaps I should be tuning in to some Monday Night Football - but no, I'm semi-watching Cinderella for the 200th time. Cinderella + Bud Light Lime is still really no fun. I love that Novalee is asking for a second plate of broccoli - and that she is humming all of the songs in this movie. My husband is off pursuing his dreams... singing away at a songwriters meeting of sorts in Nashville... and well, this leaves me with nothing but my thoughts. (and Cinderella) Is it right that I'm semi-jealous of my husband sometimes? How wonderful and painful it must be to know exactly what you want to do with your life. I've watched him battle this passion for years now. Is it harder to KNOW what you want to do and struggle so hard to do it, or is it harder to have no earthly idea and wander around like a gypsy. ? I make it more difficult for him - I know. And it hit me today, somewhere between Cinderella mopping the floor and meeting her prince... that I've never been with someone that has so much potential. All of my previous boyfriends were seriously lacking in that department. I never really expected much out of them and it made it really easy when they ended up letting me down. I want so badly for him to succeed, but I'm also kind of afraid that he will. This is a very real emotion that I have - and I'm certainly not proud of it. What will happen? It is a heavy burden that I have placed on him and myself, and I know that he feels it deep down... that he knows that I'm afraid that he will succeed. How terrible is that. I'm still growing up and learning... apparently I am still selfish and immature and working through these things daily. I want him to succeed, I do. I just have this terrible feeling that I won't be a part of it - and I want to be, so badly. I want to be there when he hits that jackpot and all of his hard work is paid off. I want to be the first one to congratulate him, and throw him a party.. but having a two year old has made this extremely difficult recently. I'm trying to understand that I can't be there all of the time. It's really my job to be there for him in any way that he needs.. even if it means that I need to back off.

This rant is so long and ridiculous that it's surely boring you to death, so I'll finish it up. Life is hard and marriage is hard, but I am learning that a positive attitude can work wonders. I will be there for my husband for the rest of my life. I know that he isn't going anywhere - or he would not have made that vow to me.. he would not have chosen to create a life with me - and he would not still be here after all of my silly antics. I am extremely grateful that we ARE married - and that he lets me make mistakes, and he helps me grow and learn from my mistakes. Even if one of my mistakes is not letting him be who he is. He is willing to show me and walk me through this crazy world that I could not walk through alone.

New Beginnings..

Alright. So, I've had this idea for several months - to shake up my blog and really mold it into what I'm living with right now. And, basically, I'm living with a two year old that says and does some pretty darn funny stuff. (I'm guessing as do most two year olds) I want to remember her this way - I want to remember how she learned things, and how she expressed herself. She is unique, and soooo beautiful. Our lives are so full of schedules and really it just feels like we pass her around like a beanbag - trying so hard to just do what we have to do. Novalee is the reason. Novalee makes it okay. So, I thought I would start this blog by talking about just that. Novalee. For starters, she likes:

Cinderella

Fishies

Horses

Singing

Dancing

Her blankie

Coloring

Taking baths

Going Night-night

So many things.

AND, my first story for this week is:

Scott (hubs) coughed the other night and Novalee was across the house and must have thought that he sneezed and yelled "BESSS YOUU DADDYY!!!" and he says of course, " Thank you, Novalee!" and before either of us could say anything else she yells, "BESSS YOUUU TOO, MAMA!!!" (I didn't sneeze) I think maybe she felt bad for only blessing daddy.

Lots of love,

Mama